Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
