The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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