I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
