I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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