i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
