sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
