My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
