You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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