Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
