made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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