My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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