I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
