I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
