Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
