I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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