if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
