Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
