masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
