How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.