I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
