IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
