Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
