Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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