I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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