the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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