Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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