I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
