I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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