i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
