Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's never too late to be topless.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
