if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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