Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
