if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
