someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
love makes seman taste better
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
