the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
