sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
