Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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