proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
