turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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