we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
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Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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