Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
