I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.