i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult