I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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