I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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