So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
