At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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