NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
