It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
