The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
