I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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