The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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