I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
