that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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