you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
