oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
